Alternate Endings to an Unfinished Story
by CaptainKJ
Summary: [AU]Q sends House and Stacy to fight off Vogler, who has changed the world in his image, and to save Stacy, House's ex. Some Sailor Moon madness, deus ex machina, and...yeah, House naked. Rated T for nakedness, snark and cussing.
1. Default Chapter

Alternate Endings to an Unfinished Story

(An Attempt House Humor)

_A/N: Okay, now it's House humor I'm trying to get at. I'm an mostly AU writer, so it's easier for me to write AU than write something that keeps up with the storylines. But hey, who cares. Read the fckin' story. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to update in a while...so...enjoy!_

* * *

Chapter One 

The Pixie from the 9th Circle of Hell or AU Stacy

"Who the hell are you? You're not some kind of pixie, are you? I hope those wings are detachable because I'm going to rip them off." The old, crippled man who looked like an older, meaner version of my boyfriend stood up with his cane and came over. I ripped off the wings, took out the fangs, and looked at him.

"Hey, you look like my boyfriend, just older, and without the piercings. And this is the same house he lives in too. And your name must be Gregory House-"

"Shut up." He tapped my head and went to the kitchen to pour something. I smelled alcohol. "Okay, now you can start talking again."

"Hmm. Well, I was walking to the restroom and suddenly I walked out here. Either this is a future or this is an alternate universe."

"Or maybe both." He limped back out and handed me a shot glass. "Never mind that you're not of legal age. Might as well, I only get adults, and childish ones in my house. Drink up, kiddo, it's probably the last time you're going to have a scotch in a shotglass."

I downed the glass, then put it down and sat down on his chair. "I don't know why you're here."

"Or how to get back. I'm not going to be your babysitter."

"Are you always this acerbic? The House I know is a nice guy, even though he dyes his hair purple."

"I'm not the House you know." He looked at me. "I guess you're here for a reason. And once you find out that reason and solve it, you're going out."

"Go ahead. I've been out in the streets before. I know how to pick your lock, steal your things without you knowing, and make people drop dead on their feet. Don't make me."

He laughed. "Maybe you are useful after all. Want a job?"

* * *

He held out the door so I could come in, and I settled myself in a comfy chair. 

"Off."

"Woof." I got off and sat in another seat.

"Ouch."

"He's a rebel genius. He learns from me, what makes me tick. It's money."

"Huh. And why does he like you?" He spun, and I smiled.

"Because I saved his life. How about that?"

He paused, and then sat down. "Okay, kid-what's your name?"

"Stacy."

House stopped, and looked at me. "Stacy…"

"Hassell. Now, what's the job, how much do I get paid?"

The door opened, and three doctors came in. I didn't take notice, except that they stared at me for a moment, then sat down.

"Christ, I should've dumped you out of the door when I had the chance." He handed me a 100 dollar bill. "Look, Foreman and you are going to break into someone's house, so I can get some info. Details please."

"Sure. Where's this Foreman guy?"

He pointed behind himself, and I looked up. I stared at a black guy. "Ah. Hi, I'm Stacy."

"I'm Dr. Foreman. We better leave."

"And do get some ladies panties and maybe a bra. I got a date with Wilson!" House yelled back.

I threw up the finger, and he backed off. "Okay, okay, just some panties."

* * *

"Hmm, no key in the usual spots, or anywhere for that matter," Foreman said. "Pick the lock?" 

"No. This place's too rich for no protection. The house is wired, if I pick the lock the wires trip." I looked around, and found a window half open. "Gotcha. Lost some pounds yet?"

"No…Hey, I'm not fat!"

"Neither's the opening." I went to the back, and I heard him mutter, "If this is House's past girlfriend I'm going to shoot myself."

"Start cocking the gun." I looked at the opening, then climbed up and slipped through the hole, and opened the window for him. He climbed in, and we started searching.

"Nice place."

"No stealing."

"Yes, master." I laughed and went to the fridge. "Hmm. Nice place." I took out a Tupperware container full of food that was moldy. "Mold."

"Good, grab that when you leave." Foreman hit something, and something shattered, tripping the alarm.

"Oh, fuck." I grabbed him and went though the window, moldy Tupperware under my arm. "Mold's bad for people, so you might want to check me out when you get there."

We ran from the place, and got far enough before the cops came.

* * *

I walked into his office, and saw him with my Halloween fangs on. "A cape and you would be an impeccable vampire. Sans the cane." He smiled, I slapped the Tupperware down in front of him, and he leaned over. 

"That's it? What, did you only raid their fridge?"

"Foreman tripped the switch." I sat down, leaning back. "Not my fault."

He looked at me. "What? I knocked over a vase, and it fell. That's all."

House looked at him. "Lose the weight. You, Stacy, go and get me some candy." He gave me a dollar.

"Yes, my dark lord." I bowed, blew him a kiss, and walked out.

* * *

I slapped the candy down and he still had my fangs on. He growled low in his throat. "Good, good." 

"What else do you have for your minion? And take off those fangs, they're not yours."

"But I like sucking blood out of unsuspecting ducklings…"

I reached over and he drew back and hissed. I went back on my feet and snorted. "Go ahead. I have another pair in my world."

He smiled, and sat there, turning on his DS and playing, Castlevania of all games. I stood over him and watched as he beat the crap out of demons and vampires.


	2. The Vogler Arc

A/N Corner: If you watch anime or Star Trek, you'll probably get the simple but well hidden tributes to them. Kudos to whomever gets them all!

* * *

The Vogler Arc- now with 50 percent more snarkniess and evil! 

"HAHAHA! Now I got Princeton in my hands again!"

Well, until the security guards threw out the fat, black man. Apparently he was someone "That was my snark target until Cuddy threw him out."

"He must be some bad guy, right?"

House looked at me. "Of course he is! Look at him-"

"Ahem."

We turned, and saw Foreman looking at House. "You better not be making a racist remark there."

"I wasn't going to. I was going to remark his fatness." House made a "humph" sound and stuck up his nose.

Foreman rolled his eyes and left. I looked at House, and he looked at me. "Shoo, kid. I'm having my 'Eliteist Englishman' moment."

I bit back my laughter, and just said, "Well, aren't you European?" I left, and saw Cuddy pass me and stare at House.

"House, stop being a drooling idiot and do your duty as a man and a doctor!"

"And what's that?"

"Honoring a lady's request and GETTING TO EXAM ROOM ONE!"

He looked at Cuddy, and then sighed. "I hate it when you remind me of my honor." He walked down to Exam Room One, and took me with him.

"Eh?"

"I need some…um, company."

I let go of his arm. "Oh, you have a crush on me, right?"

He looked at me. "I don't. I like people who had sex before- they know how to do it."

"Yeah, right. I know you want my goods!" And I took off my shirt. He stared at me, and so did the other doctors. House kept staring at them until I put it back on. He coughed, and waved everybody away.

"Okay, okay, I won't deny it. I want your goods." He took my hand anyway and dragged me down to the room, and closed the door. "What's your problem?"

"Hi, House."

He looked up. "Stacy."

Stacy looked at me, then at him. "Who's she?"

"Stacy." He put me down and then went up to her and looked at her eyes. "Nothing wrong."

"I came here to see you, idiot." And she planted a kiss on his lips. He stopped and let go.

"You're married. Don't make me tell you again."

"I told you that you were the one." Stacy looked at him, then squinted. "Oh, you like that girl, right?" She pointed at me.

"Yeah, I like that girl. She's more open and honest than you."

"I thought 'Everybody lies'."

"Yeah, well, she doesn't. Maybe because she's not from our time."

"House, I know you like me."

"Well, I don't now. Get out. I don't want to see you again."

"Hmph." And Stacy left.

For a moment I felt uneasy. I don't know why, but I sat there until House looked at me.

And then the door blew open, and the fat guy came in with a man behind him. House stared at the guy.

"Vogler. I see that you're wanting your checkup, yes?"

"No. I said I would destroy you. Q?"

Q? Oh, no, not that guy…that guy from _Star Trek_ came with Vogler. He probably bribed Q into being with him. Great, omnipotence is rampant. So, I decided…

"Hi, I'm Stacy." I hugged Q. "I'm your biggest fan!"

"What is this, a Barbie?" Q looked at me. "Get off me!" He got me off with a snap. "Stacy, eh? You look like the woman stuck in Vogler's limo strapped with rope and taped."

"Stacy?" House asked. He looked like he was going insane. "You have Stacy? You motherfcking son of a bitch!"

"House, you have nothing against me. Q, send this guy somewhere. Like hell."

"Sure." Q snapped, and a portal appeared before House. "Buh-bye."

House was being sucked in, and he didn't care. So I grabbed him and tried to push him out, but instead got inside it myself with him.

"House?"

"Stacy…" He hugged me, and I blushed. He was warm.

And then we landed on something soft and comfy. Or maybe that was a red shirt guy.

"Oh, no, you killed the Red-shirt guy!"

"You bastard!" Someone yelled that was really familiar- talk about a deep voice for a lady.

I turned and stared into blue eyes and auburn hair and a Star Trek uniform. "Captain Janeway?"

"Oh, great, are you a fan of us too?"

House got off me. "Oh, my god, it's Captain Janeway!" He said it in a sarcastic tone. "Well, I did like _Voyager_, but not the writers behind it. Sheesh, that Warp 10 thing was too…" He shuddered.

Captain Janeway stared at House. "Oh, my god, you're House!" She hugged him. "You're so hot and sexy and smart!"

House looked at me. "Oh, great, they have me as a TV star? This is hell."

* * *

"So, you're saying that a Q sent you here?" 

"Well, it wasn't the Q that tried to have sex with you." I sat horizontal on the chair, propping up my knees with the arm rest and looking at the officers. "Nope, it looked like Trelane."

"Trelane?" Chakotay asked. "Who the hell names their kid Trelane?"

I laughed. "Well, in fandom we speculate that he's a Q." I took out a nailboard and filed my nails. Janeway was still fawning over House, which freaked him out slightly that someone other than Princeton knew him. The officers were quiet and then left.

"Well, we could ask Q to help you guys out."

There was a flash, and Q appeared. "Well, with one snag. The world's closed." He sighed. "I hate Trelane. He's an idiot being bribed by some asshole of a businessman, and one that cheated me."

"Cheated you?" Janeway asked. "Are you Satan or something?"

"Of course I am. If I can appear to Picard as God, I can be Satan for others. And please let go of Gregg before he has a heart attack from freaking out. He already had an infarction."

"I know" Janeway said. "That's why I like him. He's crippled and hot...kyaaaa"

"She's in her 'kyaaaa' mode." Q looked slightly disgusted at that. "Anyway," he said, directing his attention to Chakotay and I, "I gave him money in the exchange that I have his soul. Unfortunately, he hired Trelane to protect him. Now he has a hot girl, Trelane, and his soul, and I can't do anything."

"Eh, that's my hot girl. That's her French name!" House said, standing up with his cane. "You get your hands off her."

"And, what are you going to do? You can't really do anything in that condition."

House smiled. "Panty peeler."

Q looked at him square in the eye. "Pervert."

"You would love Cuddy. She has the cleavage of a sex star."

"Yeah, well, you had sex with her. In your HOSPITAL BED FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

"Well, you tried to have sex with the Captain, and with the Romulan Empress, and a slug, and other myriad and weird things. And you can't just do it because they all hate you."

Q tried to open his mouth, then closed it. "I hate you, Gregory House."

"That's good because I hate everybody too." Janeway pulled down House. Q sighed, and looked at me. "So, you're Stacy. Ex?"

"Dunno. But I am from 2054."

"2054?" House stood up again. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I dunno. But your era's just like mine. It doesn't matter." I blew on my nails. "So, Q, can you get us out?"

"Oh, once the other Q's decide what to do with Trelane and that fat guy."

"And that's when?"

"Depends. Could be a day, month, years, centuries from now."

He disappeared, then reappeared. "Oh, they decided."

"That's fast," House quipped. "I'd be faster if I COULD GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Chill, dawg."

"Woof, woof."

Q smiled, and said, "Well, they decided for me to take you on a trip."

"A TRIP?" House tried to grab his collar, but Starfleet uniforms don't have collars. So he grabbed Q's front. "You're not taking us home? I wanna be home!"

"Dawg, chill." Q took his hands off. "Take some Vicodin, play a Gameboy game. I hear the handsome doctor's getting a free trip."

"Can you clone Gregg?" Janeway asked.

Q glared. "No. I want you to suffer!" Q snapped his fingers, and the room changed into the Enterprise-E's ready room.

"Q, what's the meaning of this?" Picard asked. "Another fan intrusion into the Star Trek universe?"

"Yeah, if you count Stacy here a fan."

"Not a fan of Picard," I said. "Or Archer, for that matter." I stared around. "House?"

He had went off. I sighed and went after him, finding him in Sickbay, listening to Crusher on medical tech.

"Oh, I remember what I'm supposed to do." Q snapped, and we found ourselves again, on Voyager.

"Please state the nature of the medical emergency."

"I want Vicodin," House said.

The Doctor looked at House. "What the heck is Vicodin?"

"Pain meds." House tapped his cane. "I hope he isn't a doctor. A doctor should know what Vicodin is!"

"I hope he isn't a doctor- what a horrible bedside manner!"

House squinted. "And do you even have a bedside manner? At least I have one!"

"You're a doctor, not a snark machine."

"You're not a doctor, but a hologram that wouldn't survive out of this stupid room."

"Advances in technology have enabled me-"

"Please. Use that technology and get a life!" House popped another Vicodin in his mouth.

The Doctor glared. "I have a life, and that's my business, Charming!"

"I'm nowhere near charming, but everybody thinks I'm sexier than hell. Weird." He looked at Q and I. "So, who's the bald guy?"

"The doctor on this ship."

House smirked. "Well, I pity everybody on this ship- well, except the redhead that fawns over me like I'm some god. She probably gets too much pity anyway."

Q snapped, and we were back with Crusher.

"Picard sent you guys?"

"No, Miss Picard, Mr. Picard has not sent us to you. We're on a tourist trip."

"WHAT?" Picard yelled, appearing from a pillar (hiding, apparently). "Tourist trip? OUT, OUT, I say! I want no tourists on some Q thing!"

"_Mon dieu_, what an ass," House quipped. Picard looked at him.

"You speak French?"

"And English, Spanish, Latin and Klingon. Well, Klingon as in cuss words and a few phrases when I watched Star Trek with my ex. She's a big fan of Kirk."

Picard lightned. "Come on, we have much to talk about."

And they left. I shrugged and sat on a bed. "Like that guy, Bev?"

"Yeah." She prepared some hyposprays. "Nice guy, but I hate caviar now. He insists on having it before bed. I told him it was bad but he still does it." She shuddered. "So, where are you from?"

"2054 Earth."

"Really. How far are you guys on travel and stuff?"

"Not far, actually. Hovercraft is about it. And maybe space travel with Virgin, if you can afford it."

"A pity."

"Not really. Everybody's about scared of space."

* * *

_Meanwhile, at the Halloween Party Gregg's House:_

"Stacy?" Greg called out. He knocked on the door, but got no answer. He opened the door, ready to get slapped, but found no one, and realized... "Oh, shit, she 's in my experiment disguised as a bathroom! Oh my god, why the hell did I dress up the stupid thing as a toilet?"


	3. That's a 15year old boy in there?

That's a 15-year-old Boy in there? 

"Eh, times up." Q snapped, and we reappeared in the sky- falling! "Um, sorry, wrong place."

"Yeah, hurry before we black out or get hit by a plane!" I yelled.

"Okay, okay. But there are no planes in this world." Q snapped again, and we appeared in an empty store, shut down and closed. "Oh, shit…not good. It's like when the Borg conquered the world when they went back in time…not good, not good. I wish I had _deus ex machina_."

"You are _deus ex machina_," House said calmly. "You can change the world with just a snap."

"Well, not exactly…here we have another Q- my son." Q sighed. "Bloody hell."

I stood there, and then snapped. "Hell!"

House and Q looked at me. I looked at them. "We can send Vogler to Hell!"

"Is it me, or does she have Tourette's?" House asked.

"Seems like it, if she's spewing cuss words and repeating what I say. But come on, she might have a great idea." Q went to open the door, and was shocked. "What the Fck?"

The world was a dump, and filled with large towers. House whistled.

"Ooh, nice. Just like the Jetsons, except with a dictator and slaves."

"Not good," I said. "Come on, let's get to his place."

"Um, Stacy, he has a _Q…_can't penetrate his walls unless you know Trelane's weakness."

"And that's what?"

"Naked guys. We Q don't have sexuality issues."

House and I looked at Q, and Q looked at House. "Gregg?"

"Oh, god, you want me to get naked for a guy."

"Trelane's known for…extremes." Q sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, but please, for our sakes."

House started to strip. "Only because I hate Vogler more than everybody else."

I started to stare, but Q covered my eyes once he stripped his pants off. Well, it wasn't like I didn't see naked guys every day.

"Okay, now can we go?" House asked.

"Decent enough. Stacy, hide your eyes."

"Oh, now you're treating me like a little girl?" I asked. I looked at House, after Q let go, and whistled. "Nice stick."

"Shut up." He sighed. "Can we go now before my ass gets too many stares from the natives?"

"Of course, monsieur." Q snapped, and we were at the gates to a particularly bad castle on a cliff. Reminded me of Dracula's castle. Anyway, Q opened the gates and went up to the door, and busted it open. "LAPD!"

"Whoa, dad, don't blow a fuse." Trelane appeared, and stared at House, then looked at me. "I rather see her strip."

"What, my stick's too short?" House retorted. "I bet your cocktail ain't as long."

I paused at the banter. "Oh, god."

Q looked at me. "His wall's down." He took my hand and lead me through the castle. "If this creeps anybody out, I'd kill myself."

The castle chilled my bones, but I kept my head. I saw the door, and went up to it, and pushed it a bit. The door opened, and I saw Vogler smiling at us.

"Well, well, if it isn't Stacy the Barbie, her Q, and an invisible House." Vogler stood up and then blasted the wall behind us. Q jumped, and I stood there. "Okay, so you're the feisty one." He came forward, and I saw he was wearing a-

"Tuxedo Mask, just in reverse. Or maybe a really pesky evil vampire we should put a stake in."

I turned, and saw House standing there in a tux too, with the mask. "Tuxedo Mask!" He was kinda cute…

"Not quite. I don't have roses, I'm crippled and not that handsome, and there isn't a dumb blonde anywhere, but you'll do." He twirled the cane and in his hand appeared roses, thanks to Q.

"Sorry, I loved Sailor Moon," Q said. "One of the best shows you humans created." He snapped, and I had a sailor suit on and a wand with a star on it. "Ah, sorry, wrong show." He snapped again and I had the right wand, which was a bit heavy.

"What are you going to do with those items?" Vogler asked. "Hit me over the head? Well, if you do…" He turned around so we could see an hourglass where Stacy was trapped and trying to get out, pounding on the glass. "Well, you are cute, both of you and your pesky Q."

"Oh, great, I don't know the commands," I muttered. "And I'm wearing boots." So, before Q could tell me, I ran towards the hourglass and swung on the glass, at the widest part, which made me vibrate and sent a dark sound through the castle. "Damn!"

"Idiot, hit the thinner part!" And Stacy graciously pointed out the middle, which was 10 feet above me. Otherwise, I was offended with it. I was no idiot-if anybody was, it was she. House was fighting with Vogler, albeit in a pesky way- parrying blows with his cane and stabbing him in the heart, which didn't work.

"Stacy!" Q said. "Just say 'Moon Crystal Power'! It'll work for now!"

"Moon Crystal Power!" I yelled, aiming the wand at Vogler. A bolt hit him in the back, and he turned around and looked at me.

"Why you!" He rushed towards me, roses still in his heart, and grabbed me and flung me towards House. "You'll never save Stacy!"

House caught me in his arms, and I smiled and looked up at him. He was kinda handsome in that mask. He put me back on my feet, and looked around. "Um, where's Q?"

I wasn't looking at Q; I was looking at Vogler, who turned into a large cerebus. "Uh-Oh. Start running…now!" We turned, and started running, dodging the dog.

"At least I'm not crippled anymore," House said. "I guess for now."

"Don't think about that and run!" I ran, and saw a chandelier at the end of the stairs. "House, jump!"

"Jump! Physics still apply even in this twisted hell!"

"Never mind that, you're Tuxedo Mask. It doesn't have to make sense to your logical mind! You can jump pretty high! Grab the chandelier!"

He jumped over my head, and caught the chandelier, and hauled me out. The dog snapped at us, and stepped back as the chandelier fell. We fell, rolling down the stairs as the dog charged.

"What is this, Dracula's Castle?" I asked.

"More like Blackula. I better end up with my legs, at least!" He grabbed my arm and jumped again, bouncing off the wall and swinging off the rails of the stairs, gracefully. I looked into his eyes, and saw the sparkles in it, the mirth.

"It's like you have a 15 year old boy in you again."

"There always was one in me, just hidden inside among the myriad things like pain, sex and love." He smiled, and landed, skidding, at the doorway. "I'll get Stacy, and you get the dog."

"Sure thing." Well, if I could open a portal to hell. The dog was charging, and I did the most random thing in the world.

I spun the wand, like someone playing with a baton. Or maybe it was the wrong anime. It spun fast in front of me, and became a golden blur. Then I stopped, the wand upright, and a portal opened in front of me, and I felt a blast of hot air. "_Deus Ex Machina_," I said with mirth. "What a world…Send this beast back to Hades!"

And a sound like a vacuum cleaner started to howl, and the dog tried to stop itself from getting in, but eventually it just flew back and went into the portal. Then it closed, and I collapsed to my knees. "That is so random!"

The castle started to fly apart into dust, and I saw House, holding Stacy in his arms.

"I saved the world?"

"We did."

He made a tisk sound and looked up at the sky. "I rather see everybody not lie than save the world, but I can live with this."

The floor became the tiles of the hospital, and our uniforms started to fly apart, except with one thing-

"What a stick!"

"Goddamnit, Stacy must've been lucky to have him."

"I would love to have my hands on that sausage."

House was buck-naked in the clinic lobby, leaning on his cane again. Cuddy was not too happy but also aroused with the…um, you know. Nakedness. Cameron was practically beaming because House was open. House stared at Cuddy.

"Told you I had the stick of a model." Then he strutted off naked to his office, where everybody followed (at least the nurses, Chase, Cameron and Wilson- Foreman wasn't here for some reason) and watched him looking for clothing. I don't think he minded.


End file.
